the good, the bad, and the ugly.

mood swiiiiings.
i'm pms-ing.
big time.
so lay off.....DON'T MESS.

every little thing is getting on my very last nerve.
and my bad break out is not helping very much.
2 months without break outs and BAM!

i'm sorry if i've been snappy.
and somehow or rather i'm seeking a whole lot of attention these few days.
sorry if i pissed or annoyed anyone.

my periods better come soon.
i'm about to bite someone's head off.
acting like such a viper.
it's supposed to be PREmenstrual syndrome.
PRE. but that PRE is waaaaay too long.

prelims have started.
english, social studies and practicals are done :)
it has gone quite ok so far.
i won't count my chickens before they hatch.
i've learnt my lesson.

dear lord please see me through this trying period.
please give me the strength, determination and everything else you think i'll need.

i really hope i do well.

practicals are down the drain.
i gave THE DUMBEST answers for physics.
the whole world laughed at my answers.

chem was horrid too.
for the 1st question peoples' solution turned yellow after some heating.
some didn't but they had solution left.
guess what happened to mine?
being the genius that i am,
I WAS LEFT WITH NOTHING.
absolutely nothing. zip. nil.
my solution sort of evaporated into the air.

ain't i a genius?

but on lighter note,
I DIDN'T BREAK A TEST TUBE!!!
nope...not a single one :)
aren't you pround of me?
you should be.
considering the fact that i break one every single practical session without fail,
this is a big achievement :)

before the practical val was like
"you confirm break a test tube one la. it's predictable. happens every practical."
what great friends i have eh?
and being my lab partner, i have to tolerate it....so she'll help me do my experiments :)

i sound like such a bimbo.
but i have never been one, and will never be one.

after the practicals...

joann: i was listening out for the breaking of glass.
val: i was just waiting to see when you'll drop one.
monique: hey! you didn't break a test tube! i was expecting you to!

see...when i break test tubes they laugh.
when i don't, they laugh again.

spotted the right questions for social.
refused to study KBE. horrid and totally stupid chapter.
and......IT DIDN'T COME OUT :)
had a feeling venice will not come out cause ms lim didn't focus on it too much....it wasn't tested!
studied a whole lot on health care.
i went as far as reading the newspapers for facts and figures on medisave.
it was tested!
but the figures i got from the papers couldn't be used for SBQ....sadness.
i just hope i do well.

teachers' day celebration was a tad boring.
though i have to say ms su-ann leong and ms thanabal looked really hot in their saris :)

i wanna watch the break-up and the devil wears prada.
anyone wants to take miserable me out?
*gives a pleading look*


they say anger is love disappointed.

DANIEL YAM??!!

dear genevieve!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

ok....maybe she's wasn't thinking.
i found 5 people wearing dresses of the same design from daniel yam.
my mummy wanted me to get the same one too, but thank the lord i simply refused!

can you imagine wearing the same dress as 4 other people,
AND 3 of which are from your class?!
gee....

and i'm stressing over my grad night dress too.
it's pissing me off cause i don't see any nice ones around.
if i don't get a nice one,
I'M NOT GOING.

oh...and i just found out that no matter which part of the world you are in,
no matter the school,
GRADUATION NIGHT DRESSES ARE ALWAYS WHITE!

it's prom and homecoming that people get to wear different coloured whatnots.
so we're having prom too!
headache again...
and know what?
the whole of 4/7 's not going for prom.

i have a sneaky feeling that they are only going for grad night to get testimonials.

i'm to tailor make my dress.
and the thing is...i have a birthmark on the back of my right shoulder.
which means that.....
if i wear a halter, people will talk.
and knowing SACians,
THEY TALK LIKE THEY'RE ALL GOING DUMB TOMORROW.

but i wanna wear a halter.
i like my shoulders :)
shuttup. not funny....
i like them :)

shoots....so what design will my dress be in?

i can't believe grad night is drawing so near.
and even nearer are the prelims.

6 more days and i have yet to even TOUCH my books.
in fact, i haven't tounched them since mid-years.

once prelims are done with,
there will be the Os.
and 20th november will mark the last official day as a student of SAC.

then we'll all have to go our seperate ways.
to a foreign place we'll go.
having to make new friends agian.

looking like lost sheeps on our 1st day in JC or poly or wherever we may go.
having no confidant, no one to talk to.
having to stress about making friends before recess so as not to be a loser.


sadly, the old friends might be forgotten.
i love 4/6.
i love my friends.
i don't want to leave.

to think that up till last year,
i couldn't want to get out of this school.

i'll miss all of them.
miss the stupid times we've had together.
the times we laughed till our sides ache.
the times we stand by each other when in trouble.
the times we act all silly.
the times we have real deep heartfelt talks.
the times we "flirted" with the teachers.
the times we talk nonsense.
the times we just shout and joke from one end of the class to the other.
the times we gossiped and bitched.
the times we get thrown out of the class together, but still joked about it.
the times we whine and complain so much the teachers didn't know what to do with us.
the times we comfort each other in sorrow.
the times we go "it's ok" though we're so damn scared.

and most of all, the times we just sat together, doing nothing, and saying nothing at all.

when we walk out of SAC, through that small unwelcoming gate,
will we take all with us the laughter and the sorrows?
or is the past to be forgotten?

i'll just miss just about everything we do.
hanging on to whatever we have right now.
afraid to let go, for it might be gone forever.
but it must be done.

we'll let go of what we have.
taking each day in our stride.
moving on, meeting the challenges life throws at us.

10 years from now,
when we walk past each other along the streets of singapore,
will we remember each other?
or will we be strangers that never met at all?

will we say hi?
or at least exchange a smile?
or will we be ever so hostile?

too shy to say hi?
or to proud to wave goodbye?

all we have now will fade into that grey area people call memory.
lingering at the back of our minds.
while i live with our goodbye,
and you'll go on with your life.


right now, memory is the largest word i don't understand.
it's vagueness i'm confused by.

M.I.A. :)

yes people.
i have been missing in action for quite a while.
and SOMEBODY is insulting me for that.
i've updated. happy?

and to that somebody,
you're really slow with your actions k?
remember what we talked about?
can you make her life better and just do it?

anyways, english o-level orals today.
it was alright.
ok..maybe not that alright.
stumbled a few times during the passage,
had a few "erm" and "like" here and there,
stop mid-sentence a few time and couldn't find suitable words to say so i just started a new sentence.

the female examiner was nice :)
she kinda reminds me of my primary school teacher.
but the freaking male examiner...
like what in the world was his problem?!
i said something about feeling the warmth and love when eating home cooked food and he snicked!
ok, i was lying and it sounds kinda cliched,
but there was no need to snicker!

i liked the topic though.
it was much much better than what the people had yesterday.
yesterday's was "what's your favourite public transport"
erm...hello? this is the o-level oral examination.
PSLE orals are like the next day.
i mean what is there to say?!

today's was something about food.
my favourite place to eat etc..and i said the beach where i have pinics with my friends every week.
hahahhaahahaha.
of course it's bullshit.

and she asked if we bring food from home or buy and i said depends.
and like last week i brought homeade sandwiches and my friend bought ham.
then i realised if i make sandwiches at home why do we buy ham there?
so to salvage myself i said it was a whole ham.
but who in the world brings a whole ham to a picnic?!

fuck.
i think i screwed up big time.

second question was if i'd rather have my own business or work for someone else.
i think it went relatively well :)

and for the picture!
there was this slightly fat person and i said he's a man.
then while discussing it afterwards, they asked me what man.
it was only then i realised i called her a him!
crap.

but that person looks like a man to me.
and they said she has breasts.
but men can have breasts too alright?
my male neighbour has more breasts than i do.

oh wells...
and for lunch i got a personalised meal.
know that nasi padang stall where they sell fried rice wrapped in eg and put chilli sauce on top?
the auntie wrote my name with chilli sauce on it (:

BUT never got to eat it.
before i even started i got chilli sauce on my tie and blouse.
and it wasn't good considering the fact that orals was next.
cleaned my tie, but the stain on the blouse was kinda obvious and i wanter to give a good impression so i borrowed gen's blouse.

THANKS BABE (:

and after that whole drama i had no appitite.
so i just threw the whole thing away.

school had been fun lately.
discounting ms lim's bad mood and the fact that she went on strike for 2 days.
but bloody hell,
yvonne was the only person who didn't had up her freaking work...and for 2 weeks.
why should i pay for the sins of someone i don't even know?!
pls..all i know is her name, and i think i even got the spelling wrong.

she's from the next class.
i mean i don't mind getting punished if i actually knew that person or if she was from my class.
but i don't know her!
we're only in the same geog class.
ok, this sounds a little selfish.

(on yvonne not handing up her work)
miss lim: what is it doing at home?! you gonna bequeath it to your descendants?

hahahahahaha.
we were all biting our lips to keep us from laughing.
she would have blown her top if we laughed, considering how angry she was.

(on choosing to have lessons but not doing the work assigned)
miss lim: this is not a buffet spread. it's a set menu.

(on her having to check namelists to ensure we've all handed up our work)
miss lim: you don't need a person with geographic expertise to check name lists. senseless job!

and during social studies....

miss lim: you foundress was an aristocrat. what was her status?
me: isn't she a princess?
miss lim: PRINCESS?!

hahahahhahaha.
i swear i thought she was one.
i mean the protrait at the trophy area said she lived in a PALACE.

(on a winged lion)
su: there's a horse.......

and during chem.....
(on an mcq question)
mr lian: so which is it? A, B, C or...whoa! D i never see before leh...

and during e.math....
(on ethel sleeping cause she's bored)
mrs lim: ethel, don't waste your life sleeping.

(on something mrs lim said)
me: what did she say?
swee: dunno? (produces a piece of reddish thingy) beef jerky?

during english...
(on someone claiming to be mrs lopez's sister)
ethel: maybe i should claim to be your daughter.
mrs lopez: oh god..please..one daughter is enough . thank you.

(on wanting us to pay attention)
mrs lopez: look at me......any part of me.

and during P.C yesterday...
(on lennett's constant chattering)
miss pilo: lennett, i'll send you back to china.
(the few of us present laughs hysterically)
miss pilo: in a slow bump boat.
(laugh even harder)
(after about 15 min the class gets really noisy)
miss pilo: GIRLS! what did i say?
some clown: you'll send her back to china.

hahahahahahahahaha.
it was damn hilarious.

23 people in the class were down for orals yesterday so only 16 people had practicals.

(on pricking my fingers so many times)
me: i'll have a holy finger at the end of this practical.
mr lian: cool...

(upon prinking her finger badly)
sandra: (in a composed and normal way) ow! i poked my finger. ah! got blood. how? cry.
AHHHHH!!!!! MR LIAN!!! GOT BLOOD!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha.
it was damn funny.
we were all roaring with laughter.
even mr lian was shaking.

(on getting the transparent plaster from the lab)
sandra: mr lian? can you give me another one?
mr lian: why?
sandra: cause very cool. it's trasparent! look!!!
mr lian: REALY?!

hahahahahahhaa.
and she wanted to prick herself again to get another plaster.
sandra...i buy for you.

(when i walked into the lab)
mrs boo: i read your blog. (refering to the post before the last)
me: god! my helping words aided you in your search right? so insensitive!
mrs boo: (with her sad puppy dog look and head down) sorry...i apologise.

hahahhaha...she was damn cute.
but all's forgiven :)
actually i forgot about it already...lol.


so yes... that's about all.
i've been trying to be happy for the past few days.
i want to really really really good day.
it's been long since i've had one.




loves:)

am i even your kid?

i'm afraid to know the answer.

honestly, what kind of mother go "i expected you to fail" when their child comes home with their results.

and the fact that i was already feeling all upset didn't make things better.

"i expected you to fail" were her exact words.
and she could laugh when i stared at her.

a jaw-dropping moment.

at that moment i was just in shock.
for the second time the same day.

my mind was momentarily blank.

i just wanted to turn around and walk away.

but my feet were rooted to the ground.

what was i supposed to think?

i swear my heart stopped beating for that few seconds.

the world moved without me.

i was praying so desperately for the 2 words.

"just joking."

those words never came.

the laughter did.

how cruel.

is this some kind of joke?

are the heavens roaring with laughter too?

i mean,
I'M YOUR DAUGHTER!
honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself.
i feel ashamed of you.
embarrased.

i still can't believe my mother said those words to me.

where's that little bit of faith?

shouldn't it be present between every parent and child?

my whole family thinks i can't do it.
they think i'm the dumbest person alive.
they believe that i'll never succeed.
they think the only thing i should do is look for a rich guy to support me.
they think that's the only way i'll survive.
the only way i'll get through life.




sometimes i wonder if i should thank god for my family.
this family which LOVES and BELIEVES in me so much.


she's my mother.
i have to come to terms with myself.
but i still cant believe she said that.

my very own mother.
i cried like my life depended on it.


my mother.

one day i'll fly away.

i really wish i can fly away right now.

i'm feeling depressed and all emotional.
i don't know what to think.

chinese just got me all upset.
B4?!
i really have nothing to say.
how am i gonna do well when i got a freaking 4 for chinese?

to re-take it or not?
but it will just be a total waste of time considering the fact that i don't study for chinese.
4 hours each week.
that's a lot.

i still can't believe i got a 4.
i expected a 3.
i mean come on!
the whole freaking world got a 3.
and my chinese is bad.....but not THAT bad.
i'm in band 2 for crying out loud!

i cried.

i was in shock when i got my results.
i was just asking myself what that 4 meant.
then reality hit me.

that was when my eyes started swelling with tears.
i didn't want to cry.
just holding back eveything.....well almost.
it gave me a headache.

but i broke down when i told my mum.
it was so difficult saying it.
saying it made it even more real.

that 4 is unacceptable for my L1R5.
it just means i have to work my butt off for the rest of the subjects.
but it's killing me.
it's eating me from the insides.

i have my study plan written out.
i just pray i'll have the strength to carry them out throughly.



on a lighter note, things have been wonderful for the past few days....until today came along.
it's so difficult to even type the word wonderful at the moment.

geog lessons on monday was funny...
i can't really remember why but it was good.

(on the tress in the tropical rainforest)
ms lim: why are the brunches at the top of the tree?
jill: because that's where the leaves are?
(silence)
(ms lim bursts out laughing ---- out loud)
ms lim: that's like me asking you why the giraffe has such a long neck and you telling me because it's head is up there!!!


sports day was good too..
seven eighth of the class was late.
we came and had to write our names on the late-comers' list and we realised three quaters of it was from 4/6.

(looking for mrs lim to take attendence)
nicole: where is she?!
nicole and i: (just shouting randomly) MRS LIM! MRS LIM!

(upon finding her)
me: why are you hiding here?! i'm like a lost child looking for my mother.
mrs lim: haiya! i want to disown ya'll already.
(after she takes down our name)
mrs lim: get lost! get lost!

hahahahaha :)

(participating in the human wheel)
mrs yip: what class are you from?
me: 4/6
mrs yip: ok! i'll be your timer.
nicole: DON'T WANT! we want mrs lim! (grins)
mrs yip: (looking rejected and lost) oh...ok.
me: mrs lim!
mrs lim: what you want now????


(on mrs lim participating in the human wheel with the math department.)
nicole and i: mrs lim!! you must win! we love you!
me: you have to beat the chinese department! or it'd be damn embarrassing!
(mrs lim turns, only to face the whole chinese department beside her)
mrs lim: SHHHHH!!!!

(on mrs lim standing in the middle in human wheel)
me: mrs lim! you can't stand in the middle!
mrs lim: why?
nicole and i: (raise hands up) 'cos you cannot reach!
mrs lim: hey! i can ok?

hahahahahahahaha. she was damn hilarious!
and mrs lim had the most supporters ;)

we got gold for human wheel and bronze for gladiatress :)

(conversation with ms lim)
teresa: ms lim! why don't you go down and play something? gladiatress?
miss lim: thanks. i prefer to keep my brains.

(on miss lim sitting up there cause she prefers to decide who wins or loses)
laura: but you can't do maths!
miss lim: that's what the calculator is for.
(produces calculator)
miss lim: SEEEEE?!

hahahahahahahaha :)

i got a really nice tan from sports day.
was like all nice red and brown till yesterday.
and today, everything was gone!
nothing to show off...lol :)
but my cheeks were really nicely pink!

actually, there constantly pink.
lol :)
but it was damn nice over the holidays.


oh yes...
miss lim is like PMS-ing......big time.
she sent all of us out of class today.
ALL.
1st time this term.
she's been perfect all term until today.

i think practically every single class she had suffered today.
4/6 (x2), 4/7, 3/6, 3/5.

and today after i cried, or was still crying for that matter,
niq, poh and i went to the toilet so i could dab water on my eyes to make them less red and puffy.
so i went to the teachers' toilet to get toilet paper cuz our freaking toilet was deprived of it again.
when i opened the door to come out mrs lim was just standing there staring at me.
together with niq and poh.

thanks guys...
see a teacher, talk and joke with her but don't warn me.

but she was nice.
i think she saw those red eyes.
so she smiled.

and MRS BOO!
if you googled yourself i hope this comes up.
to aid your search, SAC, sac, st anthony's.

you!
you're sooo mean.
i'm so upset about my B4 and there you go screaming "LOUSY!"
boo you!
so insensitive.

and when we were at the foyer she did that again.
and this time she mouthed it.
with actions.

annursha: we should all just turn to look the other direction so she'll look like a crazy woman talking and making exaggerated actions to herself.

hahahahahha.

and we had a long lunch again today.
annursha wanted to experience a deep conversation but obviously it was impossible with her around.

then we went back to school at like 4 for fun.
went to the chapel.

up the second floor :)
and climb out the window to this open space outside.
a "rooftop".
cool, but the sun was scotching.

i love the chapel :)

it's so big and pretty :)

unlike primary school where it was a tiny room.

and the corner outside the chapel facing the grassy land and the big canal is also really peacful.

good place to talk, sleep and simply get away from everything.

but more and more people are getting to know that place.

things go both ways.

and you still don't get it.

friendship works both ways.
give and take.

we've had our fair share of fun and laughter, laughing till our sides hurt.
things were wonderful before you needed to be the centre of everything.
the world had to revolve around you.

if you want to read this do it with an open mind.
if you'll rather not, then don't read it at all.
i'm only writing this entry to let you know how i feel since the confrontation didn't work.
you wanted to avoid it, you chose to run away.

first things first to clear up misunderstandings.
the fact that i'm pissed is not solely attributed to the "Ctrl C and Ctrl V".
a number of things led to it, and ultimately how you reacted during that confrontation when i tried to make things better.

note, here, that the word tried is essential.

what's with taking and not sharing?
when you want something you have to get it.
but you don't share what you've got.
mind you, i'm not the first to notice this.

take the pictures for example.
god knows how many times you've said you'll send it.
when i asked you oh-so-nicely and all,
all i got was a disgruntled grunt before you turned away.
what was that supposed to mean?

though we're friends we still need our own space.
you don't need to have everything someone else has.
on the keeping quotes,
i wanted to keep memories and fill up my notebook.
i have my own.
i only asked for fran's cause i didn't keep last year's.

then i learnt you wanted it too.

i'm not saying that you're doing what i am.
sometimes it's ok not to have everything.
why do you need to have everything someone else does too?

as for the blog thingy,
i appreciate that you found the it funny.
but you don't need to copy and paste it into your blog right?
i mean even if you want to write about the same things you can write it your style right?
the whole thing in paragraphs and not the whole : thingy.
i mean you used to do everything in paragraphs.

besides, some/most of the things didn't happen to you.
so why are you putting my life up on your blog?
i'm not asking you to stay out of my life or anything.
it's just that since it's on why blog why do you have to rip it off and put it on yours?

because many people read your blog and you feel the need to know everything or provide entertainment?
you're not a hub and certainly do not need to be the centre of everything.

everyone has their own style of writing.
yours and mine are different, though not one is better than the other.
if i don't want something of my own then i might as well not have a blog.
i might as well just contribute to yours.

sure you are entitled to blog about the same things i do.
i don't care if the content is a replica.
but don't you think ripping is a little too much?

and the thing is you know i'm pissed with you.
but you still went ahead with it.
i mean isn't it more than a little obvious that i was kinda pissed with you?

and you know i don't like it,
know that i'm not gonna be very happy about it.

and when i saw the paragraph before the last time you ripped my entry,
the whole thing about you knowing that i'm gonna be pissed,
that i'm gonna hate you,
i thought you got the message and i thought that was i form of apology.

but i thought wrong.
apology is obviously too difficult for you.
i scrolled down and saw part of my entry there again.

if you know you'd make things worse,
then why did you still do it?!

because your blog is more important than your friends?
because you thought i was joking when i say i'm pissed?

it's not that i'm taking things too seriously,
but i just don't like it.
i'm sure you have things you personally don't like too.
i mean sometimes there are things that we don't like at all,
and these come without explainations.

"to each his own"

don't you think it's a little too selfish to keep thinking of yourself and neglect the feelings of others?

and that whole "tiao" thing on your blog.
isn't it always the case where LITTLE factors lead to GREATER factors if not addressed?
and that "tiao" thingy that i really don't understand.
if you want to address someting to me do it in a way i'll understand.

hokkian slangs stump me.
i don't understand them.
if you wanna address something to me,
english would be preferable.

i can play, laugh, joke and have fun with you.
and more often than not,
due to my whole light-hearted don't care, play-first-think-later attitude,
people think i'm joking with them even when i'm dead serious.

and what's with hypocrisy?
it is known to the world that you don't like her.
and you announce it like it's nothing wrong with hating her guts since your primary schools days.
from what i see, its nothing wrong too.

until you start acting against your words.

i mean it's normal to hate someone.
it's normal to pretend to be nice to that person when she initiates conversation.
but what i don't get is you striking up conversation,
and even inviting her to sit with the both of us befoere tutorials.

but then again,
you are entitled to do what you deem fit without having to justify your actions.
maybe it's just me, but hypocrisy like this is so wrong.

"fake friends are better than open enemies"
maybe that's something you live by.
that's your choice and has absolutely nothing to do with me.
besides, who am i to tell you what to do?

and know how you always go "pang seh!" when we leave without you?
but the thing is you do it more often than you realise too.
how is it that the whole world has to wait for you, and you can just leave because you feel like it?

and that attention that you're seeking.

with your boyfriend and all.

it's not working.

and making youself sound oh-so-pathetic is not gonna evoke any sympathy.

at least not from me.

when we first started hanging out,
there are many people who told me that you are not what you may seem.
in fact, they stll tell that to me today.

they know that i don't really listen.
that i do what i think is right.
so they don't try to impose their thoughts on me.
but they warned me anyway.

they know i wasn't going to stop being friends with someone because they've got a bad impression of her.
so they told me not to be too trusting.
that you have to be the centre of the world.
and that you're afraid of losing out.
and the very worse,
that you are cunning.

i dismissed all these "advise".
dismissed them out of hand,
tossed them out of my head.
i wanted to see for myself without being blinded by prejudice.

i told people that you're nice.
thanked them, but still trusted my own feelings.

i'm not one who forgives and forgets all THAT easily.
but i don't like to hold on to grudges.
after some time of being pissed off and annoyed,
i'll realise how difficult and tiring it is to be angry with someone and hate her.

take cherly lim, cherlie and teressa jayne for example.
they annoy the fucking shit out of me,
but i still tell people that they're nice.
i still believe that there's goodness in them, in their own ways.

i still like you, still do.
just that you have to know when to draw the line.
especially when someone is pissed.
and me of all people considering my temper.

and i hardly think poeple joke about being pissed do they?

who likes to be pissed and angry and go round snapping at people all day?
you think i'm so wonky thinat i find pleasure in that?!
i certainly don't find kicks in that.

i'm not the kind who likes to stir trouble and get myself all upset.
i don't like that feeling one bit.
you have no idea how i jump for joy for one good day.

whatever is over is over.
but i can't keep pretending.
keeping things inside,
i'm not doing myself juctice.
and because i don't like, and simple refuse to keep things inside,
my temper is explained -- fiery, but short-lived too.

if i bottle up everything up till my top pops,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
somebody's gonna get hurt REAL bad.

i've kept quite and avoided confrontation because i thought about your feelings.
i don't want to hurt you.
and things might get awkward after that.

but i have to think about my own feelings too.
i can't continue to keep things within me.
i think about you, but i've got me to think about too.
i needed to get things off my chest,
and make you see from my point of view before i implode.
and implosion leads to depression which leads to self-destruction.

so to get things across,
we decided on a nice form of confrontation during recess.
it took a few of us, and a lot of time before we came to that decision for me.

i barely got started when you ran off.
i wanted to clear things up, make things better, turn things around,
but you didn't want to face it.
you found it easier to run away and pretended nothing happened.
that nothing was wrong.

well i'm telling you something is wrong and it's staring at you.
straight in the face.
running away won't solve it.

all that bringing my point across in a joking way and snapping didn't work.
selective sight, selective hearing, selective everything.

problems don't go away on their own you know?
i took the initiative,
tried to make things better,
but still you didn't appreciate it.

like i've said,
friendship goes both ways.
it takes both to tango, both to make a friendship work out.
what's the point in me trying when you can't be bothered?

i thought confrontation in school would be best.
face to face,
clean and neat.
everything would be settled, and awkwardness will fade.
because we're all there,
and no misunderstandings will arise.

but since you chose to run,
things will only be more awkward.
and after this entry, things will be really awkward,
and things won't be done.

i seeked the opinions of several others cause i don't want it to seem like i'm too sensitive,
and that i'm pissed for stupid reasons.

even they saw you running off halfway.
leaving my sentence hanging in mid-air.
that made me even more pissed off than i already was.
wouldn't you if you were in my position?

it was than that i decided i can't be bothered with you.
that i'll be like you -- couldn't care less.
why should i spare a thoughts for your feelings in cases like these?
it is then i completely ignored you.

but i can't bring myself to hate someone for life.
at this point in time when i should be cutting all connections with you,
i'm still thinking of your feelings.

i don't want things to be awkward.
but you chose to make things so, even if it was unintentionally.
i don't want to lose a friend.
i don't want to have to deal with friendship problems at this point in time where studies determine if i make or break it in life.

and i don't believe that false friends are better than open enemies.
i don't care if a million people believe it.
i choose what i want to believe in.
i don't want all that falseness in friendship.
we either are or aren't on good terms.

i'm not the only person who's pissed, and i'm sure you know that too.
you can't be that thick.
but it's for other reasons you know of too.
we want to make things better, turn things around.

whether you want to or not is up to you.
you take your pick,
you make your choice,
you make the move.

we've all got to suffer the consequences of your choice.

this is all i've got to say to you.
i've tried to make things better.
now it's your turn to choose.



the only way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.
the only way to make a friend is to be one.

a friend is one who sees you as a good egg even though he knows you're slightly cracked.

BLEACH........

i have a whole long entry to post,
but i'm really lazy to type it out.


it'd be up...as and when i deem fit.




that's all folks.

retreating.


i'm taking a step back.
i don't want to get involved anymore.
i'm tired.

haven't i learn anything?



the principle came in on friday.
worthless talk again.
she speaks REALLY loudly.
and it gets louder by the second.


SPEAK UP! CHINA DIDN'T HEAR YOU!


and her pants!
my god....


monique: mrs loh should burn her pants.


it's like WAAAAY up there.
what's she trying to do?
support her boobs with her pants?!


out with nic, san, tree and val yesterday.
as usual, sandra was late.
but then again, why am i not surprised?

the lake house was nice.
a lot of thinking involved though.
the whole time difference thingy was mind-boggling.
nicole, STOP THINKING! - you'll sprain your brain.


then tree, san, val and i headed to town.
where we met wenya.......who was supposedly in paya lebar.
so dearest sandra, please explain how she ended up in the same toilet as us?

walked around aimlessly.
then headed to candy empire =)
i got my jellybeans!!!

hahahahahahaha.
i sound like a kid.
i can't help it if i'm easily contended eh?
it makes life so much easier.

living the past 15 years, 8 months and god knows how many days,
i've finally realised how nice it is to stop being a perfectionist.
perfection in this ugly world is worthless anyways.

so when i turn sixteen in 3 months,
it'd be a new me who takes things easy =)

and my daddy bought me a new phone today!
he was really nice =)
but only after the whole stupid and worthless argument about which phone to get.
i woke up this morning and he was like i'll take you to get a phone at 11.

wanted the samsung E900 but he thinks that a 16 year old doesn't need such an expensive phone.
he wanted to get me the sony ericsson 610i the new 3G phone but i thought it was WAY ugly.
and every other 3G phone in the market is not pretty.

so i got the sony ericsson W700i. the new walkman phone.
titanium gold =)
i don't needa walkman phone cause i've already got my ipod.
and i'll probably get sick of it once i snap out of the gold phase.
but it's not really gold, and it makes me happy for today so i guess i'll live with it =)

it's 9.12pm and i have't done any homework.
and i hardly think i'll ever start.
....to think i made a resolution to finish my a.math homework.


i'm absolutely bored right now,
and i'm only blogging cause i've got nothing better to do.
the house is now an ice palace.

no one's talking to anyone.


life is pleasant. death is peaceful. it's the transition that's troublesome.

gone are the good days.

i'm depressed, annoyed, pissed, upset, afraid and i-have-no-other-words-cuz-words-cannot-describe-how-i-feel.

2 reasons.

1st: it's just so annoying but at the same time so difficult to express in a subtle way.

2nd: my family is really falling apart.



this is all i'm gonna say.


i've been crying so much i'm sick of it.

worthy?

school has been pretty good lately.
today has been a really good day =)

brace yourself, cause this entry is gonna be really long.

good news no 1: i got 66/80 for e.math mocks.
not bad...but not as good as last year's 70.
anyhoos..i'm not gonna dwell not it.

good news no 2: i PASSED my a.math test!!!
i'm really happy =)
i like math. but it's not something that is easy.
so with all the hard work.....I PASSED!!!

good news no 3: i've got fridays free =)
thank god i have one weekday free.
really.
i'm up to my neck with work (and i haven't started revision for prelims)
and i never get home before 5.
so thank god for little favours.


moving along, i realise how many fridays i've wasted cuz our muddle-headed teacher is sooo disorganised.
no offence, but sometimes i think she doesn't even know where we left off, what she's talking about and if ANY of us understand.

sure...history IS dry.
but if she goes out of context less often, spice things up a little, MAYBE then we'll do better.
i'm not pointing fingers at anyone though..cause i'm at fault too.

school was good today.
funny stuffs happened =)
has been good for the past few days too!

yesterday during tutorials,
miss lim laughed at us still she choked...
lol! damn funny =)

and during geog on wed she told us how she took econs in JC and how she did better in it than geog.

class: then why you teach geog?!
miss lim: because it's easier. do you know how hard i gotta study to get that A? geog no need to study also can pass.

oh...so NOW she tell us.
hahahahahahahha.....funny shit.
the way she told us was funny.
and to think it came from her.

and today!
stupid sandra and natalie totally embarressed themselves in front of ms lim.
aft geog was ss. so ms lim was just walking behind us.
gen and i were the last people so we KNEW she was behind.

and sandra, being the thick coconut she is, sang national day songs at the top of her voice along the corridors.
but gen and i didn't tell them ms lim was behind.

nat didnt know too, but she just kept shouting at sandra to shut up.
"walao sandra! can u shut the fuck up?!"

and gen and i were laughing at the back knowing ms lim can hear it too.

me: alright sandra..the prime minister is very proud of you.
nat: eh...the prime minister is waiting for me in my bedroom at home lor..
sandra: WE ARE ONE SINGAPORE! ONE NATION STRONG AND FREE...
me & nat: SHUTTUP!

and so nat turned around to look at me and she saw miss lim behind.

and my my...you should have seen nat's face. CLASSIC!
hahaahahahahahahahaha.

and sandra, still being a coconut continued singing.
and nat was totally embarressed about the whole prime minister in her room thing.
like come on! miss lim heard!
hahahahahahahha.

thank god they didn't start the whole miss lim in our bedrooms thing. (go see 2 entries before this)
i'd have totally died if they did, not knowing miss lim was behind.

and miss lim was like smiling to herself all the way.
i think she was damn ammused.
when she came into class she was like trying to stop herself from smiling.
and she looks funny trying to hide her smile.

hahahahhaa. i thought it was damn funny.

and during CME we were all joking about mrs lim's mike running out of batteries.

me: i'll buy you batteries for teachers day!
mrs lim: nonononono. it's ok.
nicole: buy her a loud hailer.
me: ya...the big red amplifiers the PE teachers use. and when she wants us to go back to our seats she'll just press the button to sound the horn thingy.

hahahahahahhahaha....

and nicole said something to her later on, but i forgot what it was about..
and mrs lim was like "HUH?!"

but it came out sounding like a high-pitched crow.
hahahahhahahahhaa. it was soooo classic.

and she made charmine, jean and i collect the dance-a-thon card.
and she went down to the staff room so quickly that when we arrived she was already waiting for us like for forever.

me: waste money waste time only. my mummy will have to buy the entire thing.
mrs lim: aiya...u all young girls cute cute can go ask your uncle aunty to buy..i so old already still gotta do. i have to ask ah...so pai seh..

i'm telling you those were her exact words. i'm not putting anything in her mouth. she said cute cute and pai seh.

hahahahahahahaha.

and mr tan was being stupid again during a.math.

(on him not wanting to stay with us in the evening for lessons)
annursha: and you think we want to stay with you.
mr tan: oh yes...there are a lot of people who want to stay with me.

nat: you stay in chai chee right?
mr tan: i stay at many places. i told you many people want to stay with me right?
me to sharon: maybe he works part time as a gigolo.

hahahahahahhahahaha.
but made himself sound like a freakin gigolo! CHEAP!

so since we had no tutorials today ethel, nat, nic, tree and i went for lunch.
i had fun =)

i laughed till my sides hurt.
and i cried too.

as tree suggested, we should form a friday lunch club just like old ladies have their bridge club =)
we stayed at the prata shop till 5. lol =)
pretty long huh?

conversation was about the christian faith.
and i had both protestants and catholic points of view.

and yes..talking about god makes me all emotional.
like i said, i cried.

i think i'm too emotional.

i have to stop crying.

sometimes i feel like a really bad kid.
i sin....A LOT.
i know everyone sins.
but i think i'm a major sinner.
and to make me even more guilty, i do things even though my conscience is telling me not to do so.

and for other people, their conscience whispers.
mine yells at me with a freakin amplifier!
but i still go against it.

and today i learnt that each and everyone of us has got a guardian angel, and that angel is named after us.
that angel is also our conscience.
wow...mine must be big. =)

and sometimes i think "what the hell...i've been blessed with a huge conscience and i know i'm sensible, SO WHY DO I STILL DO IT?!"

does that make me worse than everyone around?
does god love me despite this?
and even if he does, am i worthy of it?

i feel that i'm not worthy of god. of his love.
many a times i doubt god.
many a times i doubt the bible.
many a times i doubt my faith in god....and the odubt doubles because i'm not part of the church.
so does god see me even though i'm not baptised, confirmed, don't go to church etc?

and i know i believe in god.
i know i feel him at times.
i know i feel love for him.
but sometimes i wonder if i'm believing because i'm afraid.
because i'm afraid of not believing.
afraid of what might happen if i don't believe.
afraid of life after death.
afraid of being banished to hell for eternity.
afraid that if i don't believe now, he'll turn a blind eye and not love me anymore.
afraid that when i really need him, he wouldn't be there.

and all these fears and doubts make me feel even worse about myself.
makes me feel less worthy.

and all these make me feel like a major sinner.
and because i sin, i know i'll be punished for it.
and sometimes i feel that these punishment is carried out indirectly.
i hurt him.
and after that, something horrible happens. like "war" breaking out at home. or my one of my family members gets ill.
and all these are the worse forms of punishment for me.
my family is very dear to me.
and i really love them.
to think that is happening might be because of me makes me feel even worse.

yes, i know god forgives.
but he punishes too. and from the conversation at lunch i know he doesn't punish like that.
but have we ever thought that one day god might get so sick and tired of us asking for forgivness but repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that he'll just stop forgiving?

i know it's unlikely,
and those with very strong faith will say that it's never gonna happen,
but WHAT IF?

and i know god is present.
i've felt his presence.
but if god is as great as what we are told, then why are there still people suffering?
tree says that they are paying for their choice.

but somepeople, like the people starving in africa have no choice.
surely they did not choose to be born in that country.
and she says that they are paying for the mistakes of their ancestors.
but why should the son pay for the mistakes of his forefathers?
it's not fair right?
and i believe that god gives everyone equal chances.
so why are they got even given a fair chance like anyone of us to have excess to basic needs like food?

we are all god's children.
so why did he create them only to have them suffer?
yes, god also created jesus.
his only son.
and jesus died for us.
and it is only today that i learnt the true meaning of jesus dying for us.
(and yes..i wanted to cry again.)

god already sacrificed his only son for us.
he made his son suffer for us.
why still WHY did he create the poor and suffering people in africa?
and the people suffering in the war.
sure, their goverment make stupid decision.
but it's not their fault.
and there is nothing they can do about it.
they just want to live life normally....in peace.
just imagine the trauma they go through day to day, living in fear that a member of the family might not make it to see the sun rise tomorrow.
they didn't do anything to deserve it....right?
and it makes me feel more guilty that there they are suffering and here i am wasting everything i've got.

sometime i feel that god create people like us to bring hope to others.
he create the rich and the poor so that the rich will help the poor and we'll all live happily ever.
but even though i'm saying this, i feel that there is nothing i can do to help them.
i feel so lost when i think of them.

they shouldn't have to pay for the bad decisions of others.
so why are they suffering?

oh wells...somethings are just hard to explain.
but i know everything happens for a reason.

"nothing happens by coincidence. everything happens for a reason."

i hope i'm worthy. hope i'm accepted.

oh and something amusing/AMAZING happened.
so i cried, and they were trying to comfort me.
and teresa said something about choosing the last seat at the table and getting it first.
something like that...and she's like "we're comforting you."

suddenly, a huge COMFORT bus drove passed.
and many many comfort taxis.
a sign?
maybe, maybe not.
i don't dare assume.

going out with nic, san, tree and val tomorrow.
i hope it'd be a wonderful day! =)

perfect.

life has been perfect for quite sometime.
i have a feeling things will change soon.
as soon as mdm chan finds out about THAT.
and i'm not gonna say what THAT is.
i know teachers read blogs.
even by saying this i've given myself away.

so i've been MIA for a while.
many many things to say!

i'll start with friday cause i can't remember what happened before that.

during CME we were given free period.
all of us did work, but we whipped out our ipods too.
then mrs lim saw ethel's ipod and she smiled.
so poor ethel had to keep it.

me: what did she do to you?
ethel: she SMILED at me.
mrs lim: the next time i see it it will me mine.
ethel: take tak! then my mother can buy me a new one.
mrs lim: you are sooo spoilt.
ethel: no..it is a neccessity. aiya..u take also no use. you don't know know to listen to music one la.

we did an essay on sounds during english.
i'll post it up as soon as i'm done with it.
which is supposed to be like long ago.

one straight row + monique had lunch with part of the G7.
cam-whored in the middle of the cantten like nobody's business.
we were like so late for tutorials but we still took our own sweet time.
UNTIL we saw mdm chan walking into the AV theater.
and we ran like madness.
we'll put the amazing race winners to shame.

saturday:
went to NDP preview with nat swee and sandra.
fun fun fun.
swee met us there.
and there were so many people we couldn't find her.
nat finally got pissed and called her.

nat: eh! where are you?
swee: in front of some lion.
nat: huh?! the lion is in front of us!

and that stupid army boy ripped my ticket!!!
i gasped so loudly i people started staring.
hahahhahaha.
so bimbo.

so then they were giving bread together with the goodie bag.
being cheapskate typical singaporeans,
natlie and sandra were like "go take go take!! free one!"
hahahahhahahaha.
and this is the part swee and i disengaged ourselves with them.

we cam-whored a bit.
then when they asked us t make noise people usually just whack their clapsticks together.
but we refused to blow the clapsticks up,
so you see these 4 idiots screaming their lungs out.
NOBODY WAS SCREAMING EXCEPT US.
hahahhahahahaha.

then when the sang songs,
we were they only 4 coconuts who sang at the top of their voices.
totally out of tune.
we sang every song.
the tamil one as well. =)
but of course it came out in gibberish.

fireworks were GORGEOUS!!!
i have a video but i have absolutely no idea how to put it up.
you might get to see it if swee will be a darling and help me do it.

after the parade we went to the airport for dinner at swensens.
fun fun fun =)
service was bad.
except for the funny indian guy and the short not-very-chinese-looking manager.

sandra has issues.
she needs to learn to eat.
she eats like a child.
one spoon then she does something else,
takes forever to chew and swalloe then comes back for a second spoon.
and when we hurried her she started shoving food into her mouth without chewing or swallowing.
so her mouth was like bloated.
see swee's blog for pictures.

anyhoos, moving on to yesterday!
funny funny funny funny.
i officially declare miss adeline rocks!
she super funny!

(on what grade teacher she is. D being met expectatations and C one grade higher and so on.)
miss lim: me? i'm a loafer. i just take up space in the HOD room and provide warmth.

hahahahhahaha.

and she told us about teacher's conduct to qualify for bonuses and all.
(and she's gonna get another soon. i swear she just got performance bonus.)
so when we came to "appropriately attired"
i asked sandra to ask she about the skirt issue.
(mrs lopez has seen her in one)

sandra: why you don't wear skirt?
miss lim: because i find a shirt like this and pants or jeans more comfortable.
me: mrs lopez said she's seen you in one.
miss lim: i used to when i was less active. see my shirt has a pocket (opens pocket) jeans allow me to walk faster, and these shoes...(heaves and swings her leg onto the table) these shoes (plonk) are good for walking, they help your spine and you don't get back aches.

oh my god.
i swear she brightened our day.
i laughed so hard i teared.
hahahahahahhahahaa.

then geog was after recess ans we were all there before miss lim came.
we were just sprawled on the floor outside the geog room and when she came we stood so quickly and made way.

me: wow. it's like the red sea just parted.

and when miss lim was opening the door sandra went "yo miss lim!"
hahahahahhahahaa.
you should have seen miss lim's face.
it was so "HUH?"
i swear she was thinking "god please help these children."

and i'm not in school today.
i'm not sick.
i just didn't want to go to school.
so i pretended that i was sick.
and i ate a whole lot of medicine for nothing.
ugh!

and i don't skip school alrights?
this is like my first time.
and i didn't do it cause i was lazy and what other reasons people give for skipping school.
i couldn't finish studying for social studies so i didn't go.
and i cramped like crazy yesterday alrights? i DID study.

and so i have to make a trip to the doctor later.
at my expenses --- i think.

ok. blogger is being a total bitch.
it refuses to uplaod my pictures.
sad case. so no pictures babes.




maturity is realising your own pleasures are not worth someone else's pain.