worthy?

school has been pretty good lately.
today has been a really good day =)

brace yourself, cause this entry is gonna be really long.

good news no 1: i got 66/80 for e.math mocks.
not bad...but not as good as last year's 70.
anyhoos..i'm not gonna dwell not it.

good news no 2: i PASSED my a.math test!!!
i'm really happy =)
i like math. but it's not something that is easy.
so with all the hard work.....I PASSED!!!

good news no 3: i've got fridays free =)
thank god i have one weekday free.
really.
i'm up to my neck with work (and i haven't started revision for prelims)
and i never get home before 5.
so thank god for little favours.


moving along, i realise how many fridays i've wasted cuz our muddle-headed teacher is sooo disorganised.
no offence, but sometimes i think she doesn't even know where we left off, what she's talking about and if ANY of us understand.

sure...history IS dry.
but if she goes out of context less often, spice things up a little, MAYBE then we'll do better.
i'm not pointing fingers at anyone though..cause i'm at fault too.

school was good today.
funny stuffs happened =)
has been good for the past few days too!

yesterday during tutorials,
miss lim laughed at us still she choked...
lol! damn funny =)

and during geog on wed she told us how she took econs in JC and how she did better in it than geog.

class: then why you teach geog?!
miss lim: because it's easier. do you know how hard i gotta study to get that A? geog no need to study also can pass.

oh...so NOW she tell us.
hahahahahahahha.....funny shit.
the way she told us was funny.
and to think it came from her.

and today!
stupid sandra and natalie totally embarressed themselves in front of ms lim.
aft geog was ss. so ms lim was just walking behind us.
gen and i were the last people so we KNEW she was behind.

and sandra, being the thick coconut she is, sang national day songs at the top of her voice along the corridors.
but gen and i didn't tell them ms lim was behind.

nat didnt know too, but she just kept shouting at sandra to shut up.
"walao sandra! can u shut the fuck up?!"

and gen and i were laughing at the back knowing ms lim can hear it too.

me: alright sandra..the prime minister is very proud of you.
nat: eh...the prime minister is waiting for me in my bedroom at home lor..
sandra: WE ARE ONE SINGAPORE! ONE NATION STRONG AND FREE...
me & nat: SHUTTUP!

and so nat turned around to look at me and she saw miss lim behind.

and my my...you should have seen nat's face. CLASSIC!
hahaahahahahahahahaha.

and sandra, still being a coconut continued singing.
and nat was totally embarressed about the whole prime minister in her room thing.
like come on! miss lim heard!
hahahahahahahha.

thank god they didn't start the whole miss lim in our bedrooms thing. (go see 2 entries before this)
i'd have totally died if they did, not knowing miss lim was behind.

and miss lim was like smiling to herself all the way.
i think she was damn ammused.
when she came into class she was like trying to stop herself from smiling.
and she looks funny trying to hide her smile.

hahahahhaa. i thought it was damn funny.

and during CME we were all joking about mrs lim's mike running out of batteries.

me: i'll buy you batteries for teachers day!
mrs lim: nonononono. it's ok.
nicole: buy her a loud hailer.
me: ya...the big red amplifiers the PE teachers use. and when she wants us to go back to our seats she'll just press the button to sound the horn thingy.

hahahahahahhahaha....

and nicole said something to her later on, but i forgot what it was about..
and mrs lim was like "HUH?!"

but it came out sounding like a high-pitched crow.
hahahahhahahahhaa. it was soooo classic.

and she made charmine, jean and i collect the dance-a-thon card.
and she went down to the staff room so quickly that when we arrived she was already waiting for us like for forever.

me: waste money waste time only. my mummy will have to buy the entire thing.
mrs lim: aiya...u all young girls cute cute can go ask your uncle aunty to buy..i so old already still gotta do. i have to ask ah...so pai seh..

i'm telling you those were her exact words. i'm not putting anything in her mouth. she said cute cute and pai seh.

hahahahahahahaha.

and mr tan was being stupid again during a.math.

(on him not wanting to stay with us in the evening for lessons)
annursha: and you think we want to stay with you.
mr tan: oh yes...there are a lot of people who want to stay with me.

nat: you stay in chai chee right?
mr tan: i stay at many places. i told you many people want to stay with me right?
me to sharon: maybe he works part time as a gigolo.

hahahahahahhahahaha.
but made himself sound like a freakin gigolo! CHEAP!

so since we had no tutorials today ethel, nat, nic, tree and i went for lunch.
i had fun =)

i laughed till my sides hurt.
and i cried too.

as tree suggested, we should form a friday lunch club just like old ladies have their bridge club =)
we stayed at the prata shop till 5. lol =)
pretty long huh?

conversation was about the christian faith.
and i had both protestants and catholic points of view.

and yes..talking about god makes me all emotional.
like i said, i cried.

i think i'm too emotional.

i have to stop crying.

sometimes i feel like a really bad kid.
i sin....A LOT.
i know everyone sins.
but i think i'm a major sinner.
and to make me even more guilty, i do things even though my conscience is telling me not to do so.

and for other people, their conscience whispers.
mine yells at me with a freakin amplifier!
but i still go against it.

and today i learnt that each and everyone of us has got a guardian angel, and that angel is named after us.
that angel is also our conscience.
wow...mine must be big. =)

and sometimes i think "what the hell...i've been blessed with a huge conscience and i know i'm sensible, SO WHY DO I STILL DO IT?!"

does that make me worse than everyone around?
does god love me despite this?
and even if he does, am i worthy of it?

i feel that i'm not worthy of god. of his love.
many a times i doubt god.
many a times i doubt the bible.
many a times i doubt my faith in god....and the odubt doubles because i'm not part of the church.
so does god see me even though i'm not baptised, confirmed, don't go to church etc?

and i know i believe in god.
i know i feel him at times.
i know i feel love for him.
but sometimes i wonder if i'm believing because i'm afraid.
because i'm afraid of not believing.
afraid of what might happen if i don't believe.
afraid of life after death.
afraid of being banished to hell for eternity.
afraid that if i don't believe now, he'll turn a blind eye and not love me anymore.
afraid that when i really need him, he wouldn't be there.

and all these fears and doubts make me feel even worse about myself.
makes me feel less worthy.

and all these make me feel like a major sinner.
and because i sin, i know i'll be punished for it.
and sometimes i feel that these punishment is carried out indirectly.
i hurt him.
and after that, something horrible happens. like "war" breaking out at home. or my one of my family members gets ill.
and all these are the worse forms of punishment for me.
my family is very dear to me.
and i really love them.
to think that is happening might be because of me makes me feel even worse.

yes, i know god forgives.
but he punishes too. and from the conversation at lunch i know he doesn't punish like that.
but have we ever thought that one day god might get so sick and tired of us asking for forgivness but repeating the same mistakes over and over again, that he'll just stop forgiving?

i know it's unlikely,
and those with very strong faith will say that it's never gonna happen,
but WHAT IF?

and i know god is present.
i've felt his presence.
but if god is as great as what we are told, then why are there still people suffering?
tree says that they are paying for their choice.

but somepeople, like the people starving in africa have no choice.
surely they did not choose to be born in that country.
and she says that they are paying for the mistakes of their ancestors.
but why should the son pay for the mistakes of his forefathers?
it's not fair right?
and i believe that god gives everyone equal chances.
so why are they got even given a fair chance like anyone of us to have excess to basic needs like food?

we are all god's children.
so why did he create them only to have them suffer?
yes, god also created jesus.
his only son.
and jesus died for us.
and it is only today that i learnt the true meaning of jesus dying for us.
(and yes..i wanted to cry again.)

god already sacrificed his only son for us.
he made his son suffer for us.
why still WHY did he create the poor and suffering people in africa?
and the people suffering in the war.
sure, their goverment make stupid decision.
but it's not their fault.
and there is nothing they can do about it.
they just want to live life normally....in peace.
just imagine the trauma they go through day to day, living in fear that a member of the family might not make it to see the sun rise tomorrow.
they didn't do anything to deserve it....right?
and it makes me feel more guilty that there they are suffering and here i am wasting everything i've got.

sometime i feel that god create people like us to bring hope to others.
he create the rich and the poor so that the rich will help the poor and we'll all live happily ever.
but even though i'm saying this, i feel that there is nothing i can do to help them.
i feel so lost when i think of them.

they shouldn't have to pay for the bad decisions of others.
so why are they suffering?

oh wells...somethings are just hard to explain.
but i know everything happens for a reason.

"nothing happens by coincidence. everything happens for a reason."

i hope i'm worthy. hope i'm accepted.

oh and something amusing/AMAZING happened.
so i cried, and they were trying to comfort me.
and teresa said something about choosing the last seat at the table and getting it first.
something like that...and she's like "we're comforting you."

suddenly, a huge COMFORT bus drove passed.
and many many comfort taxis.
a sign?
maybe, maybe not.
i don't dare assume.

going out with nic, san, tree and val tomorrow.
i hope it'd be a wonderful day! =)