procrastination is, hands down, our favourite form of self-sabotage.

well at least it seems to apply to me.
somebody please tie me to a chair and lock me up with nothing but my books please.
promos are in 6 days.
and yet i haven't touched any of my books.

i have a totally valid reason -wasting precious time online- for slapping myself right now.

but i WILL start.

the principle's mantra is getting stucked in my head now.
i know i can, i will.
i can, i will, i must.

rahhhhhhhhhh.

anyways today was a brilliant day in school, save econs and the fact that adriene decided to skip school.
maybe doing tutorials do make lessons a whole lot more interesting. :)
at least i'm not looking at the clock every minute, willing time to pass so that i will not get called on for an answer.

promos in 6 days.
6 days.
it's gonna last 3 god-damn weeks.
for every other jc student, it's 4 days.
for tpjcians?
3 WEEKS.

i am not appreciating this thankyouverymuch.

only a miracle can save me now.

sometimes life gives us brief moments with another...but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a lifetime.



sometimes we don't treasure what we have as much as we should.
human nature.
and i guess we'll never understand it.


i finally finally decided to make an effort to go to my paternal grandparents' place today.
had dinner with them after more than a month.
and what was it that finally made me go there?
to finally fulfill part of my duty as a granddaughter?
and not just fulfilling my duties...it's not an obligation - i LOVE them to bits.
it was a mere random flash thought.
the thought of my grandmother dying.
fear just gripped me then.

that really woke me up.
realisation struck me straight in the face - i might not have much time left with her.
i love her. i love them. but yet weeks after weeks i just put off my supposed weekly visits.
weeks soon turned into months.
but not a single day goes by without me thinking of them.
without me reproaching myself for not showing them how much i truely love them.

i cried myself silly last night.
and all it took was that one random thought of my grandmother dying to turn on the waterworks.


sometimes i wonder if i'm doing enough to show them how much i love them.
if they really know how much i treasure them.
they have done so much for me.
taking care and watching over me for the first 10 years of my life on a daily basis.
after 10 years of being with them everyday, i'm starting to think that i ought to burn in hell for visting them only once a month, or even once every two months now.


time isn't on their side.
that i know for sure.
my grandmother's 77 and my grandfather's 84.
how much more time do they have left?
i pray all the time that god will grant them more time on earth.
that they are not taken away from me.
i live in constant fear that one day they will leave me.
i hope that day doesn't come anytime soon.

i want more time to make it up to them.
to make up for the time lost.
for all the times i made excuses for not visiting.
i don't want tonight to be the last time i held their hands.
i kissed my grandmother tonight.
i don't want that to be the last kiss.
i want there to be a million more kisses.
i want to hold their hands for a million years.

there are many other things that i still want to do.
i want to hear their complete life stories.
to have more times just sitting around with them, looking at them, loving them even more.
i want to bake with my grandmother.
to learn to make mooncakes, to make rice dumplings, to make glutinous rice, to make yam cake, to cook the simplest things.
i want to learn everything.
i'll always remember every homemade dish ever made for me by my grandmother.


and now that they are both old and they have their good days and bad, illness haunts them on the bad days, i don't get to eat the special stuff much anymore.
i haven't tasted mooncakes in 3 years.
and i refuse to eat the ones that are not made by my grandparents.
rice dumplings will never taste as good as the ones made my them.


i remember when i was younger the three of us would busy ourselves in the kitchen making dumpings and mooncakes on that rice dumpling festival and mid-autumn festival respectively.
i couldn't do much of course, but i was contented with whatever little things i could help out with.
just being with them brought me such comfort and security.


and when i was a baby, i had difficulty drinking milk and had to be tube fed because i was prematured.
but instead of tube-feeding me, i know my grandparents would spend forever every feeding session to feed me - using a teaspoon.
spoonful by spoonful.


and i'll never forget how they took care of me everytime i'm sick.
even now, when they hear from my dad that i'm sick, they call, they cook and boil all sorts of funny stuff for me. - though those stuff weren't always nice.
but i know that they'll do whatever it is within their means to get me back in the pink of heath.

they have always been there for me.
and i want to do them same for them now.

i know they'll always love me no matter what.
their love for me would never fade.




they will probably never know how much joy and confort they have brought into my life.
and i vow to revert back to my weekly visits.
i don't want any room for regrets should time ever run out.


i love them with all my heart and i wish they knew just how much that is.
i feel like i've been a horrible granddaughter.
and i feel silly for crying while typing this.


i love them.
please don't let it be too late.

nothing is so bitter that a clam mind cannot take comfort in.

i'm happy :)
sometimes i think i'm really easily satisfied.
it takes so little to make me happy.
and more often than not it's the little things that people do, that they think is no biggy that brightens up your day.
some small little surprises really go a long way.
things that happen when you least expect it to.
my day brightened a whole lot thanks to the people i'm surrounded by.

sometimes it's your perception that makes the whole world seem gloomy.
mere perception.
and all it takes is that little something to be reminded that things aren't as bad as they seem.
and sometime we forget what we have.
we think of it as what we used to have. we think that it's gone forever.
but little things happen unexpectedly and puts a smile on your face without fail.
i guess we can never truely understand the magnitude of little gestures.


and i want to share this joy.
especially with this certain depressed someone.
but i can't seem to get past her mask, that facade.
we appear to be close and happy and all, but it's just a masquerade isn't it?
it's so superficial and shallow.


i want to be more that just someone she has small talk with.
i want to be more than just company.
i want to really be a friend.
a friend.
a friend who's not only there to have happy and light conversations with.
that's difficult isn't it?
i want to. but i don't know how.

how do you reach beneath someone's mask?
a mask that conceals every emotion, every crack and every wound.
a mask that gradually builds a surrounding wall.
a wall which makes you a prisoner of your own mind?

if i don't know what's hurting you, how can i help?

sometimes we build walls not to keep others out. but to see who bothers to break it down.
i only i knew how.




on a lighter note, i'm liking softball :)
i can't bat for nuts but i like catching at the bases.
it's uber fun.

but the sun can kill. this is what you get when the sun doesn't play fair.
you get fielders sitting at bases with TWO gloves.
one for catching, the other for shielding.
hahaha and mel took a picture of her two fielders, jayne in green, and yours truely :)

call us bimbos. lol :)

oh oh! and i felt the tremors yesterday and the day before yesterday!
and on BOTH occasions i didn't realise they were tremors until someone else told me.

the first time the day before yesterday was funny.
i was just happily sufing the net when i started swaying quite a bit, even sitting down.
i thought i was dizzy but i was feeling completely fine.
then i freaked out and scared myself a little.
i thought it was some supernatural force or something.
but right? i was rather stupid so despite being scared i kept it all to myself.
oh and i only realised that all i experienced were tremors like 4 hours later when my daddy told me about it.

hahaha. then i felt it again in school during math! and i thught it i was just too tired during math.
until my geograhy teacher told me about it along the corridors. hahaha.
i think i'm getting the jayne syndrome.

a clear conscience is a sign of failing memory.

i love the girlies :)
studying session yesterday was a total failure!
hahaha though we did have tons of fun just chilling and laughing and all :)
i don't remember laughing so hard and so much in the longest time!
so we had 4 complete hours of pure fun.
talked and laughed for more then 3 hours and for like the last 45 minutes we walked around the track. AND we discovered that the ropes at the fitness area could double up as swings!
and we tried taking jumping shots with the timers on our camera but not one picture turned out right.

and instead of setting her camera the timer mode, adriene changed it to a video mode.
and she only realised it while looking through her phone that night!

swing! but the pictures are nice though...

hahaha jayne can't take pictures for nuts.

she looks sooo happy!

and i'm happy too :)
today was a really good day like i'm happy!
i'll savour it while it lasts.
not that i will last for long though...promos are coming and i have yet to START studying.

oh oh! and the most embarrassing thing happened just now!
i fell off the bench =/
see..i was trying to cross my legs indian style on the chair before sitting down and somehow i lost my balance and fell backwards!
oh my god...it was so embarrassing!
thank god there were not many people there cause prelims were going on at E block.
but there were still two tables full of people who watched as i fell!
and one table just left after that...omg =/

it was still so embarrassing despite the lack of spectators.
not to mention unglamourous.

and when i fell all jayne did was stand up immediately and laughed!
thanks jayne...now i know..when i nearly died you just stood there and stared and laughed.

then a minute after i fell and i was still nursing my butt and hands, both lao shis came out from the LT.
i was soooo thankful they didn't see me fall.
hahaha.
now i have a BRUISE on the back of my hand :(

and lao shi was so cute..she heard about the love of mine and gisella's life.
sim hong boon.
hahahahaha....he's the chairman of the college advisory committee.
rich and old. LOL.

(yesterday)
lao shi: jerine!!! do you want hong boon's number?
me: tao yan! but i want.

(today)
lao shi: i've got a picture of hong boon! you want?
me: i want!!!! and why do you have a picture of my man?!

and she really went back to the hod room to get it passed it to me in the middle of lecture.
HAHAHAHA.


i've really got a knack for screwing up.
TWICE. in a day. today.

and maybe i'm too straight forward.
but i can't help it. i don't want to change myself.
and they say that i'm too mean to nicholas.
really? i am?
but the stuff he says and does really puts me off.

oh well..it's perception
call me a bitch.

two monologues do not make a dialogue.

more pictures from adriene :)

PIGS. :)

jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment.

is it fair to hate someone because she's doing better than you?
maybe kudos to a stroke of luck?

no? i thought so too.
but some people just don't see that.
jealousy blinds.

i thought all was going well until such shit happened.
go ahead. hate me.
be competitive all you want...but i'm not going to join this childish game.
so what if you work so hard and finally do better than me?
that's not going to hurt me is it?

i'm just wondering how much satisfaction you people will finally get out of this.
i'm not about to go crying to my mummy or sulk in a corner when you flash your triumphant megawatts smile.

and why do people get so upset when you do better than them?
did i not work hard enough for it?
did i not work just as hard as you did, if not harder?

it's ridiculous.
and rather depressing. i thought things were going really well.
at least the rest are sane enought to not have the green monster called mr jealousy hanging from their backs.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

--Nelson Mandela

friends are like bras: close to the heart and there for support.

it's the holidays :)
not that there'll be much to enjoy during this one week break..but that's beside the point.

skipped school on friday to go to sac...
though i think i would have more fun in tpjc.
and i felt so bad cause only 7 people turned up from our class.
and it's mr lim's first and last teachers' day with us.
well...we skipped with the notion that we would be celebrating it on saturday.

and anyways...i felt even worse when i sent mr lim an sms wishing him and all he replied was "tks".
but adriene said he wasn't angry though.
and i think i should feel happy for him that he's going to VJC.
he'd be much happier there without a doubt.

from what i heard all the teachers were wearing brightly coloured polo tees like hot pink and lime green and all but mr lim wore some dark blue shirt with like greyish pants.
and that's not even whathe usually wear on normal days.
when adriene asked him he said he'l let her in on a "secret" - that he didn't wear it because he didn't belong.
:(
and mel said the polo tees were made for all the teachers in super bright colours to show that they are happy on teachers' day.
wonder if mr lim knew that and wore dull colours on purpose :(

and on saturday we were all psyched up to go for class lunch and movie to celebrate with mr lim and at the eleventh hour he said he couldn't make it so they cancelled the lunch :(
and the 4 of us were already ready to leave the house cause we were meeting earlier to get him a gift.
so anyways...the day didn't start out on a good note but we still decided to go out.
went to vivo to catch ratatouille.
bobby came along too cause jayne was supposed to watch it with him someother day.

and when we went to vivo, the show was sold out all the way till really late that night.
the day couldn't get worse.
then this guy came up to me and asked if i wanted to watch ratatouille and he said his company booked a whole theatre but a lot of their customers didn't turn up and asked if i wanted tickets :)
for free! i'm not a cheapskate but it's 9.50 alright?
so this angel gave me 5 tickets :)

bobby was like really late so he missed the first 15 minutes of the show.
and adriene said it was like not coming out with jayne at all cause she was just with bobby the whole time.

anyways...a day that didn't start out right ended really well :)



i woke up with blotchy skin this morning! :(