things are never what they seem.

no one wanted dinner last night so my parents and i went to sentosa for coffee bean.
thought it would be a good night for us.
finally spending some time together.
how wrong i was.

it was really late.
we were the only ones there.
coffee bean was already closed...but we were outdoors so it didn't matter.
everything that i have kept within me for the past couple of years started coming out.
tears started flowing too.

somehow or rather the conversation topic became my studies.
after my report book was reviewed
unrest started brewing.

they were ok with it.
not much comments.
i wasn't.
i wasn't pleased at all.
somehow i just started telling them how they treat my brother and i when it comes to studies.
he is always the best.
the one whom they put so much hope on.
the one whom they push to study hard.

it's the total opposite for me.
they never push me.
never.
maybe because they think i'm dumb and all.
i've got to admit i was slow when i was younger.
maybe that's why they don't expect so much from me.

it because of that that i put so much pressure on myself.
becasue of that that i work so hard.
what for?
to prove that i'm am just as good as my brother.
to make them proud of me.
to have them put some hope on me.

i don't work for myself.
it has always been for them.
if it's for myself i won't really care.

my mum says that she doesn't push me cuz she knows i'm disciplined.
but where did that come from?
from the fact that she has no faith in me.
from the fact that she think i'm not good enough.
i know that if i don't push myself no one will do that for me.
when that happens i will be what they think i am:
not good enough.

you say it's not fair to you when i say something like that.
but is it not true?
you are always telling him that he is better than me.
that he is talented and smart....unlike me.
and you say that in front of me.
how do you think i feel?!

when i stepped into secondary school it was a new beginning for me.
i had 4 years to prove that i am just as good as he is.
when he was in sec 1 he got 5th in class.
it was a BIG deal.
when i got 5th in class in sec 1 it was not a very big deal after all.

your actions says it all.
it's through little things like this that makes me feel inferior.

you say you've alway been proud of me.
you just don't push me because i'm a girl.
because i'm more sensitive.
bullshit.
he has always been the one to receive praises.
him. not me.

all i ask for is you to have a little bit more hope in me.
is that too much to ask?
it obviously is.


i want to be treated like him.
you push him to study.
so why can't you do that for me too?
because i'm matured to do it on my own?
because i know right from wrong?
because i'm independant?
if that's the case then i'd rather not be all that.

i'm all that because i've struggled.
struggled so hard to be noticed.
struggled so hard to make you proud of me.
you say you have always been proud of me.
but why don't i see it?

it may sound stupid wanting to be pushed.
but i do.
because through that i know that you put hope in me.
that you care.

i'm every bit as worthy as my brother.
maybe even more worthy.
i'm the one who goes all way out to make you happy.
not him.

you say he's being pushed cuz he has the responsibility of supporting you in the future.
you say i won't have much time for you after i'm married.
i'll have my own family to support.
let just see who will be the one who supports and takes care of you when you're old and wrinkled.
me or him.

if you don't want to put responsibility on me then fine.
he can have full responsibility in the future.
we'll see where that leads.
i won't be bothered.
i couldn't care less.

then you say whatever you have done is not appreciated.
i appreciated it.
but do you see?
have you ever?
never.

you say that when you are upset and all there is no one to turn to.
there's me.
but of course you don't notice.
i may be young.
but i'm matured.
but you obviously don't notice a thing.

i want to be appreciated too.
showering me with material gifts hold no meaning for me.
the mean nothing.
nothing at all.

i'm always the one who is always there when you needed me.
am i only good for such stuff?
not good enough to put hope on and depend on?
not good enough to be proud of?

one day when we're all grown up and he doesn't care for you -
not that he does now anyways -
when your hopes of being supported by him are dashed,
i will still be here.
still here waiting for you to depend on.
to be proud of.
when that time comes i want you to remember how proud of him you were.
and never putting much hope on me.
i won't hold it against you.
never will.

i love you.
and i just want to be loved in return.



chinese O-levels tomorrow.
i want to do well.
i haven't started stuying though.
i must do well to prove my worth.





someday..
maybe someday you will be proud of me.
someday i'll prove myself worthy.