i don't see no beacon of light.
i know myself, and am disappointed with what i know.
e.math paper came out today.
i knew i fucked up.
i knew.
i told myself i won't cry when i get the paper back.
i didn't.
i just got really quiet.
really quiet.
mrs lim thought i was in a daze cause of my results.
yes. she was refering to me.
i wasn't in a daze.
i just had a lot of stuff going though my head.
i was begging myself not to cry.
trying really desperately not to cry.
holding back so much tears.
i was choking.
i was suffocating.
i was asphyxiated.
i started feeling dizzy.
feeling like my world was crashing down on me.
holding back tears was painful.
i refuse to cry.
i told myself i had to be strong.
i got a headache from all that holding back.
i felt like i was going to explode.
blow up into bits.
there was still drama after school.
pretending that i was normal for another 3 hours was a torture.
pretending that i was having fun.
smiling.
laughing.
pretending.
but i really didn't want to cry.
not in front of anyone.
not anymore.
i broke down almost as soon as i stepped into the house.
i couldn't take it anymore.
i felt like i was just going to snap if i pretended any longer.
i cried till i threw up.
never knew i could cry so hard.
but i guess this is what you get from holding back tears for a day.
it's what you get for trying to be strong.
nobody knows how upset i was.
it is not ok.
so stop telling me it is.
it's not just mid-years.
it meant a lot to me.
from the 1st in class last year to the 23rd now.
from a A1 to a C6.
you have absolutely no idea how much this means to me.
you do not know how it feels.
its just NOT ok.
it's supposed to be my best subject.
i broke down almost as soon as i stepped into the house.
i couldn't take it anymore.
i felt like i was just going to snap if i pretended any longer.
i cried till i threw up.
never knew i could cry so hard.
but i guess this is what you get from holding back tears for a day.
it's what you get for trying to be strong.
nobody knows how upset i was.
it is not ok.
so stop telling me it is.
it's not just mid-years.
it meant a lot to me.
from the 1st in class last year to the 23rd now.
from a A1 to a C6.
you have absolutely no idea how much this means to me.
you do not know how it feels.
its just NOT ok.
it's supposed to be my best subject.
my only hope.
the only class i look forward to in school.
the only subject i loved so much.
the only subject i put my heart and soul into.
but what now?
im confused.
im upset.
im a failure.
im pathetic.
i hate being me.
i just hate me.
i hate myself.
there is no hope.
it does not exist in my life.
no beacon of light.
everything anyone had said is bullshit.
you might think it childish.
to cry over results.
to cry over spilt milk.
but this means a lot to me.
it not only mid-years.
it's 2 exams before the o-levels.
the Os are my last chance to prove myself.
to prove that i am worthy.
and finally,
to make my parents proud of me.
that dream seems so far away.
and it's continuing to drift away.
why is this happening to me?
why is the lord slamming the door in my face?
why me?
jerine