something is wrong with me...

and i have absolutely no idea what that is.
i've not been myself these few days.
i've been withdrawing myself from everything.

life is one big masquerade.

life took a turn today.
i laughed.
REALLY laughed.
i laughed so hard my tummy hurt.
i would have rolled on the floor if there weren't so many people around.

then came the part where i don't even know why i'm laughing so hard.
it wasn't even that funny.
it was kinda stupid actually.

maybe i was desperate.
maybe i wanted to laugh so badly.
maybe i forgot was it was like to laugh till my sides hurt.

then i asked myself what's so funny?
why am i even laughing at something like that?
it was lame. right?
at that point i just wanted to cry.
but i continued laughing to convince myself that i am happy.

i'm wearing a mask.
but it's not only me.
everyone else is.

why can't anyone see?
maybe if we all remove that mask,
stop putting on that brave front,
maybe only then can we be truely happy.

we act according to what we think is expected of us.
we do that so frequently.

so much so that we lose ourselves at times.

maybe we are just afraid to be vulnerable.

most of us (or at lease for myself) arrived to where we are today by becoming actors of our own lives.
somehow or rather,
i feel that i have reached a point where i can no longer tell if the version of myself that i present to the world is fake or the genuine article.

i seem all happy and jumpy and loud,
but i'm not sure if its genuine.
i somehow think that these false appearances are driven by fears and needs.
the fear of being unaccepted.
the fear of being alone.
the fear of being me.
the need to be accepted.
the need to feel loved.
the need to be well-liked.

despite the acting,
i am not what i want to be.
i do not feel what i want to feel.
maybe i'm doing it all wrong.
or maybe it's just me.

we are all faking it.
our lives are bogus.
just a play...
in which we are all actors.
and very bad ones too.
the world's a stage.
literally.
i am wearing a mask.
you too are wearing masks.
we are all imposters.

we are all actors in a never-ending soap opera.

why do we try so hard to be accepted?
to be accepted by someone who is also a fake?
just like you are.

we are all not who we appear to be, or who we want to be.
who am i?
that's a question without an answer.
it only raises more questions.
maybe i am not the one to answer this question.
the question needs an answer.
but who's to answer it?

i need to find myself.
i want to be who i really am.
not who i'm expected to be.
i want to find me before i lose me.
but where do i start?

i might just be suffering from depression.
i'm constantly on the verge of tears.
i cry for absolutely no reason at all.
maybe i'm crying over being me.

i want to stop crying.
but i just can't seem to.
what am i even crying over?!
why am i feeling miserable when there is nothing to be miserable about?
or is there?

there is no one to talk to.
even if there is i don't know where to start.
what am i even going to talk about?
i don't even know what's wrong with me.

i'm not me.
but nobody sees it.
i look normal.
i act normal.
i'm comforting and worried about others.
but shouldn't i be more worried about myself?




pleading, but no one's listening.
everyone hears.
but no one listens.