after 4 days of questioning myself, i've somewhat gotten the answer.
i'm scared. i'm terrified that at the end of this year, life will laugh at me in the face and tell me that i've been wrong all my life.
all my life i've been trying to be good enough. to prove that i am good enough. that was it. to be good enough. i didn't even need to be good per se, or the best. good enough was good enough for me.
but it was tough trying to be good enough when the term wasn't up to me to define.
i've been pretty disturbed these few days after ms tan sent me an online message 4 days ago asking me what was wrong with me. why the sudden change in me. that there was a problem. but i didn't try to right it.
and basically that hit the spot. i cried. because someone had to point out something i've been trying so hard to ignore. something i've been pushing to the back of my head. i knew something was wrong. of course i did. i'm too in touch with myself to not know it.
i had to give a reply since she could check the status to see if i've read the message. but there and then i didn't really have the answers to her question. i know something was wrong. but what? i never did address it before her message. ignoring made life simpler, and more blissful see.
i said it was because results weren't justifying the hard work, that's why i was somewhat giving up. i didn't know if it was the complete truth then but maybe i though maybe that was it. but was it really? no. after this afternoon, i can safely say no. it wasn't.
the waterworks ruptured when reality stuck.
reality being i was afraid. the fear was overwhelming. i was afraid of that fear.
the fear of being being proven wrong. that i wasn't good enough. that the life i've led, trying so hard to be good enough has been a joke.
so maybe that's why i haven't been studying, haven't been doing anything useful with my life other than sitting in front of the laptop all day, and even that isn't productive.
i'm afraid life will prove me wrong.
no effort, no expectations, no disappointments.
so maybe without trying, there'd be no expectations (you can't expect to do well if you don't work right?), and without expectations, there'd be no disappointments.
so maybe that's why i haven't been working.
and after assessments after assessments, and failure after failure, maybe i wasn't cut out for this.
maybe i've been in delusion all these while.
maybe i'd never be good enough no matter what i do, how much i do.
but i don't want all the above to be right. at the end of this year the answers will be revealed. it's the last year success can manifest, and i'm afraid that it wouldn't. i'd rather live in delusion. but the clock is not stopping for me.
what if at the end of this year it's finally proven that i can never be good enough? then what? what the hell am i going to do with my life after that?
i'm afraid of the future.
but i can't go on ignoring this fear can i? time isn't waiting for me.
right now, i don't know what to say. i don't know what to do. it's like being lost in the middle of nowhere. the feeling of it is awful.
the entire world has a direction as to what to do.
trees grow, photosynthesize, improve the environment.
clouds form to keep the heat out.
snow from the mountains of colorado melt and make their way to the sea.
animals in the wild hunt and kill for survival.
humans strive for success in all aspects.
but me? where am i going? what do i want? what am i here for?
that's a question to which i have no answers.
it's not easy looking for someone to talk to considering the fact that the entire world thinks i'm normal and that i'm going to succeed.
well one thing's for sure - i've succeeded in fooling everyone with the masks i've put on.
but it's stifling. cracks are developing on them, and someone actually saw through it.
putting on the the mask is self mutilation.
i know i've got to wolk on my attitude and build up my drive again.
but it's not easy when i'm confused.
when i don't know what i really what.
maybe i'm not cut out for this.
maybe the game is about to be over.
the worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. and we do it only out of fear.
jerine