love, life and loss.
alright. so i haven't been blogging for a while.
laziness is getting the better of me.
so i'll start with today.
fathers' day blahness.
nothing at all actually.
i'm a horrible daughter who ought to be shot.
daddy dearest asked me what i had planned for him today last night.
daddy: so...tomorrow is fathers' day. got anything up your sleeves?
me: eh..how does breakfast in bed sound?
daddy: you can't cook you know. i don't want to put out a fire early in the morning.
me: i can make you bread. peanut butter? i can make you tuna toast as well.
daddy: an idiot can do that. besides i don't want to break the "no food in the room" rule.
me: suit youself. i made a very generous offer.
there.
so he wanted to take me out for breakfast this morning.
he's like we'll go out for breakfast. you've been sleeping till 11 for the past 1 month hippo.
yep, so being the horrid daughter i am i chose my sleep over my daddy.
boo me.
had a bad scare this afternoon.
i turn on my laptop for less than 10 min and i get this phone call from my mother.
all she said was come down to the hospital now.
i thought something really bad happened to my grandma who was admitted yesterday.
my dad and i left the house in under 5 min.
that's like a record alright?!
no one ever gets me out of the house that quickly.
hell.
when we went there everyone was just sitting outside.
my brother who was in famine camp came out too.
my mum had some wedding lunch and left just as the 2nd dish was served.
the hospital called her saying me grandma's blood pressure was dropping - fast.
so she told them if her condition takes a turn for the worse just let her go.
no. my mum's not trying to get rid of my grandma.
it's just that my grandma has been sick for so long and she can't talk, nor eat food that's not all mashed up. she's also bed-ridden.
but we put her on the wheelchair too.
having lived like that for the past few years, i think she's better off dead.
no...i'm not being rude or disrespectful or anything.
she's lived in that empty house of hers with my grandpa and the maid and occasionally my aunt.
but all she probably sees is the wall beside her bed.
she can't even turn on the bed on her own.
what's the point of living when there's probably nothing to live for?
if i were her i'd want to die.
it'd be like relief.
i think she'll go to a much better place after death.
if she can talk she'll probably ask us to let her go too.
i think it's really selfish of us to keep asking the doctors to pull her back everytime she's about to go.
she'd probably seen the gates of heaven already.
we're keeping her here for ourselves.
it's not fair to her.
it's not fair to keep her sufferings going for us.
she'd be better off somewhere else.
but my grandma's still fine.
nothing's wrong at the moment.
that was a bad scare. a stupid one.
all my uncles were informed, and i was shocked they got there even faster than i had.
considering the fact that they only visit their parents once a year during chinese new year.
a whole lot of unfilial sons.
6 sons and 2 daughters but it's the daughters that take care of them.
my mum and my aunt.
and my aunt who just left for silkroad yesterday is on the next flight back.
so much for a holiday. bless her.
sometimes i wonder why traditional people want sons.
seems to me like none of my uncles are worth it.
they only turn up whenever they hear that my gradma's dying.
it has been like that all the time.
she nearly died thrice.
and everytime i witness the phenomenon where they turn up only at her death bed.
no one bothers even when she's critically ill.
absolutely no one gives a hoot.
and everytime the doctors say she's dying they start shedding crocodile tears.
sad? bullshit.
they probably can't wait to see her die.
if they really love her the 1st time she was about to die they should have already learnt their lesson.
but no. no one visits her after she leaves the hospital.
i pity my maternal grandparents for having such sons.
only turning up when they're about to die.
when they recover, you don't see the sons till the next new year.
what's the point of crying only when the person is dying?
where are they when the person is still around, constantly looking for them, missing them.
there's no point crying at the funeral for others to see.
i hardly think you are upset.
just shedding crocodile tears for others to see.
save it.
when that loved one is around you don't even care.
so why are you crying?
what's the point?
in fact, why are you even present?
you should just turn up for the reading of the will dammit.
i'm sure that's all you're looking for right?
you parents hold no position in your life.
it's just you you and you.
to think they raised you up.
WHEN THERE'S A WILL YOU HAVE 500 RELATIVES.
so now that my uncles and their families have all turned up but no one's dying they'll think it's a cry for attention.
that it's like the wolf story.
to room was flooded with family today.
but i'll bet anything that from tomorrow on there will only be my mum and aunt around again.
so my dad sent my grandfather home from the hospital.
since there were so many people in the room my brother and i went downstairs for starbucks.
poor him wouldn't eat because he was still in famine.
you know, since he was out of camp nobody would know even if he ate eh? but he refused.
for 30 hours he can only drink.
so a frappe for us and i had a bagel as well. that was lunch/tea. so no dinner.
mum sent him back to famine camp at SAJC at round 6 and she sent me home too.
my mum wanted to stay at the hospital overnight but i aked her not to.
she looks shagged.
the whole of yesterday and today she was at the hospital.
i'm afraid she'll fall sick too, which will be worse.
oh wells...so i still haven't started on my homework.
it's already the last week of the holidays.
i think i can barely finish ms a. lim's hw, let alone the rest.
yes, i'm still induling in my fantasies by reading.
i've been reading a lot lately. book after book, though homework should be done first.
but i keep procrastinating.
wish me luck.
oh...btw i saw mdm chan on thurs.
at the lobby of my block.
i didn't know if that was her at 1st cause i was still a distance away.
and i'm partially blind.
she might have saw me but i'm not sure. don't care either.
when i reached the lobby she turned at walked.
i think she saw me. but at that time i still wasn't sure if it was her.
so i looked down at her shoes cause i can't see the face.
from the shoes i'm fairly sure it's her.
it's the black heels with white stirps in front.
the one she always wears.
oh wells...i can't really be bothered.
seeing teachers outside school doesn't faze me.
c'est la vie...
life's fragile.
alright. so i haven't been blogging for a while.
laziness is getting the better of me.
so i'll start with today.
fathers' day blahness.
nothing at all actually.
i'm a horrible daughter who ought to be shot.
daddy dearest asked me what i had planned for him today last night.
daddy: so...tomorrow is fathers' day. got anything up your sleeves?
me: eh..how does breakfast in bed sound?
daddy: you can't cook you know. i don't want to put out a fire early in the morning.
me: i can make you bread. peanut butter? i can make you tuna toast as well.
daddy: an idiot can do that. besides i don't want to break the "no food in the room" rule.
me: suit youself. i made a very generous offer.
there.
so he wanted to take me out for breakfast this morning.
he's like we'll go out for breakfast. you've been sleeping till 11 for the past 1 month hippo.
yep, so being the horrid daughter i am i chose my sleep over my daddy.
boo me.
had a bad scare this afternoon.
i turn on my laptop for less than 10 min and i get this phone call from my mother.
all she said was come down to the hospital now.
i thought something really bad happened to my grandma who was admitted yesterday.
my dad and i left the house in under 5 min.
that's like a record alright?!
no one ever gets me out of the house that quickly.
hell.
when we went there everyone was just sitting outside.
my brother who was in famine camp came out too.
my mum had some wedding lunch and left just as the 2nd dish was served.
the hospital called her saying me grandma's blood pressure was dropping - fast.
so she told them if her condition takes a turn for the worse just let her go.
no. my mum's not trying to get rid of my grandma.
it's just that my grandma has been sick for so long and she can't talk, nor eat food that's not all mashed up. she's also bed-ridden.
but we put her on the wheelchair too.
having lived like that for the past few years, i think she's better off dead.
no...i'm not being rude or disrespectful or anything.
she's lived in that empty house of hers with my grandpa and the maid and occasionally my aunt.
but all she probably sees is the wall beside her bed.
she can't even turn on the bed on her own.
what's the point of living when there's probably nothing to live for?
if i were her i'd want to die.
it'd be like relief.
i think she'll go to a much better place after death.
if she can talk she'll probably ask us to let her go too.
i think it's really selfish of us to keep asking the doctors to pull her back everytime she's about to go.
she'd probably seen the gates of heaven already.
we're keeping her here for ourselves.
it's not fair to her.
it's not fair to keep her sufferings going for us.
she'd be better off somewhere else.
but my grandma's still fine.
nothing's wrong at the moment.
that was a bad scare. a stupid one.
all my uncles were informed, and i was shocked they got there even faster than i had.
considering the fact that they only visit their parents once a year during chinese new year.
a whole lot of unfilial sons.
6 sons and 2 daughters but it's the daughters that take care of them.
my mum and my aunt.
and my aunt who just left for silkroad yesterday is on the next flight back.
so much for a holiday. bless her.
sometimes i wonder why traditional people want sons.
seems to me like none of my uncles are worth it.
they only turn up whenever they hear that my gradma's dying.
it has been like that all the time.
she nearly died thrice.
and everytime i witness the phenomenon where they turn up only at her death bed.
no one bothers even when she's critically ill.
absolutely no one gives a hoot.
and everytime the doctors say she's dying they start shedding crocodile tears.
sad? bullshit.
they probably can't wait to see her die.
if they really love her the 1st time she was about to die they should have already learnt their lesson.
but no. no one visits her after she leaves the hospital.
i pity my maternal grandparents for having such sons.
only turning up when they're about to die.
when they recover, you don't see the sons till the next new year.
what's the point of crying only when the person is dying?
where are they when the person is still around, constantly looking for them, missing them.
there's no point crying at the funeral for others to see.
i hardly think you are upset.
just shedding crocodile tears for others to see.
save it.
when that loved one is around you don't even care.
so why are you crying?
what's the point?
in fact, why are you even present?
you should just turn up for the reading of the will dammit.
i'm sure that's all you're looking for right?
you parents hold no position in your life.
it's just you you and you.
to think they raised you up.
WHEN THERE'S A WILL YOU HAVE 500 RELATIVES.
so now that my uncles and their families have all turned up but no one's dying they'll think it's a cry for attention.
that it's like the wolf story.
to room was flooded with family today.
but i'll bet anything that from tomorrow on there will only be my mum and aunt around again.
so my dad sent my grandfather home from the hospital.
since there were so many people in the room my brother and i went downstairs for starbucks.
poor him wouldn't eat because he was still in famine.
you know, since he was out of camp nobody would know even if he ate eh? but he refused.
for 30 hours he can only drink.
so a frappe for us and i had a bagel as well. that was lunch/tea. so no dinner.
mum sent him back to famine camp at SAJC at round 6 and she sent me home too.
my mum wanted to stay at the hospital overnight but i aked her not to.
she looks shagged.
the whole of yesterday and today she was at the hospital.
i'm afraid she'll fall sick too, which will be worse.
oh wells...so i still haven't started on my homework.
it's already the last week of the holidays.
i think i can barely finish ms a. lim's hw, let alone the rest.
yes, i'm still induling in my fantasies by reading.
i've been reading a lot lately. book after book, though homework should be done first.
but i keep procrastinating.
wish me luck.
oh...btw i saw mdm chan on thurs.
at the lobby of my block.
i didn't know if that was her at 1st cause i was still a distance away.
and i'm partially blind.
she might have saw me but i'm not sure. don't care either.
when i reached the lobby she turned at walked.
i think she saw me. but at that time i still wasn't sure if it was her.
so i looked down at her shoes cause i can't see the face.
from the shoes i'm fairly sure it's her.
it's the black heels with white stirps in front.
the one she always wears.
oh wells...i can't really be bothered.
seeing teachers outside school doesn't faze me.
c'est la vie...
life's fragile.
jerine