simplicity at its best.

right..so i haven't updated the the longest time.
i'm still waiting for val and tree to send the pictures - it's been EONS.

i've been spending too much money online! i've declared myself bankrupt until my allowence for next month eases the drought.

tree left this morning...i'll miss her.
one more year. one more year till i'm liberated from this cell called JC.
one more year and we'll be in hong kong together :)

a lot's been happening since i last updated.
not that i remember them..

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i think know i've changed a lot in the past few months.
i'd never have thought myself capable of the change, doing things i've never imagined myself doing.
maybe it's what people call "growing up". but i don't really know what that means.
is it growing up really?

it doesn't matter.
i know it's for the better.

last monday during chinese we were supposed to write about our dreams. not what we aspire to be, no. but DREAMS.
dreams don't have to be realistic.

if i was asked to do that piece of assignment last year, i just know what i'd write.
that i dream of marrying a rich man, being an empowered woman, yada yada..typical stuff that three quaters of the class wrote.

but this time, last monday, i found myself with nothing to write.
not that i don't wish to marry a rich man and whatnot, it's just that those things don't seem to matter that much anymore.
it's there, but it's not important.

and the first thing that came to my mind during my little brainstorm, or rather drizzle, was laos.
maybe for some people of the ocip group, laos was a long ago thing. it starts getting old.
I feel that it's getting old too.
but somehow, it never fails to creep into my daily life.
it humble me that's for sure.
and most of the change i see in myself was probably due to that trip.

i still didn't know how to pen my thoughts.
laos. so?
so for the sake of completing the assignment, i wrote about how i dream of every kid in the world having a happy childhood.
i do dream of that.
but there was a nagging feeling at the back of my head that told me that wasn't it. it wasn't why laos came to mind.
because the children there DO have happy childhood.

so what do i really dream of?
ask me that last year and i would have rattled on till the cows came home.
but now? now what?

clarence told me that i should have - and hold- some dreams.
he said it'd be a source of motivation, and without it life would be somewhat pointless.
and i told him dreams are the building grounds of disappointment.
with dreams come disappointment.
and maybe it's because i've been too much of a dreamer all my life.
i have. i used to think that i'm a born dreamer. i was born to dream. i live to dream.

it's not like i don't have dreams now.
it's more like i don't DARE to dream.
i'm too afraid of disappointments.

i told clarence that without dreams i won't be disppointed.

but will i be happier without dreams?
will living life by the day make me happier?

am i missing out on too much to avoid disappointment?

maybe that's why i long to be a child again.